When is a Joke not a Joke?

When an unequal power structure comes into play, who is the final arbitrato on which joke is acceptable and which is not?

“It’s just a joke”, women are often told when they object to a remark that makes them uncomfortable. It is a subtle way of silencing them by making them feel they are overreacting to something trivial.

But, a joke is a joke only as long as the other person takes it as one.

If a woman doesn’t like a joke, and says so, it is incumbent on the man to accept the statement, even if he doesn’t entirely agree.

“You are overreacting” is not an appropriate response.

A joke by its nature is only acceptable as long as the person at who’s expense it is cracked thinks it is one. Only that person gets to decide of the response it over the top or not.

“Nobody else has this problem” is also not acceptable.

“You never had the problem earlier”, is the worst thing one can say to someone who objects to a personal joke.

It clearly implies that the person has been uncomfortable for awhile but was compelled to ignore a joke till it got too bad to deal with.

None of this is restricted to jokes directed at women.

It is equally true for any joke directed at a minority and/ or marginalised community.

Anyone who is higher up on the power structure, should accept feedback on jokes that are in said to be in poor taste.

Unfortunately, popular culture has normalised stereotypes and sexual innuendos to an extent where people do not even realise that they are unacceptable.

But they are.

And ideally, one should reflect and self censor, but it doesn’t happen.

However, when such jokes are flagged off, the feedback should be accepted in good faith.

In this situation, how something is perceived is more important than the intent.

Just like harassment is not okay, continuing with a kind of joke after being told it is not acceptable is not okay.

A joke is funny only as long as everyone laughs at it.

Going aggressive and asking if only one party can be the arbitrator of what constitutes a joke is in poor taste. Yes, the target of the joke is the only one who can decide what is acceptable and what is not.

A joke is only a joke as long as both parties can laugh over it.